The Olympics according to the Glossies – Part 2.

So a new week and a new host of glossy magazines hit the shelves, screaming out their titles and headlines in fluro lettering whilst portraying celebs who are either too thin, have put on too much weight or have beach ready bodies (the same image will vary between these classifications depending on the magazine) have had dodgy surgery or are now dating a guy from that boyband.  You know, the one with the hair and the clothes?  Relying on what’s the talking point on a given week however means that the glossies couldn’t ignore the Olympics (the ‘new reality TV’ apparently) and so we bravely took to the newsagents to find out what these magazines had to say on the matter.

First up: Look

There was Jessica Ennis, on the front cover, surrounded by neon lettering and images of cheap dresses that kind of look like one’s reality TV stars have been spotted wearing. However despite the dresses, this was a good start, Jessica Ennis on the front cover of a magazine not aimed at health and fitness had only been done by Cosmopolitan before.  Yet, the tag line for the interview somewhat let the side down, with bright orange letters screaming out ‘Jessica: Our Golden Girl Speaks to Look ‘How my man saved me at my lowest point’’.  On reading the interview itself Jess doesn’t actually say this as such, just comments on how when she’s been in agony from training and wondered what on earth she is doing, her man (Andy) and her family have helped pick her up, but I guess that’s not as catchy.  Also what sort of message would the magazine be portraying to young women if it showed strong, dedicated, successful Jess not needing a man to get her through her gruelling hours of training and achieve her gold?  Heaven forbid she may have achieved it through her own grit and determination.   Just to back up the fact that her man saved her when things were tough the article is even accompanied by just as many pictures of Jess and Andy together as there are of Jess competing.  Finally the article ends with Jess chatting about her upcoming wedding and then, low and behold, there is an option to buy a cheap alternative of the frock Ennis is wearing on the front cover.  Amazing.  I mean, they’re both red dresses so I guess it doesn’t matter if they don’t actually look anything alike.

Further on in the magazine Look talks to some of Team GB’s female medal winners and asks them about their favourite part of the Games, with the likes of Dani King, Katherine Copeland, Lizzie Armistead and Laura Trott giving sensible answers (although Laura’s comment is of course accompanied by a pic of her snogging her boyfriend and fellow Team GB cyclist Jason Kenny because, you know, sports people can have boyfriends too) The next page is the ‘Look Top 10 Olympic Highlights’ with a few entries on achievement with no perviness eg. Mo Farah and Oscar Pistorius and then plenty of perving on Chris Hoy’s thighs, Team GB’s men’s  gymnastics team and that photo of the men’s American Coxless four all ‘rising’ to the occasion in the rowing kits that left little to the imagination.  Good times.  There is then the obligatory guide to what the Duchess of Cambridge wore every day of the Games and where you too can buy something vaguely similar.

From Look I have gleaned that if you do sport to a high level, it’s okay because you can still have a boyfriend too which seems to be the aim and end game of everything women do. Even though you may be muscled up, you will still look good in a frock and so men will still want to go out with you.  In fact, the higher up the sports ladder you climb, the more you will need a boyfriend to keep you focused because you can never ever rely on your own determination and dedication to reach your goal.  I have also found out where to buy a dress that looks nothing like the one Katie Holmes wore out the other day.

Next up: HEAT

Ah yes heat magazine, where the possessor of such a text can learn such wisdom this week as who the baby is that keeps turning up everywhere with Harry (the boy from the band with the hair) and just how Josie dropped TWO stone (Who is Josie?)  It also pays homage to the Olympic Superstars with thank yous from Team GB to heat readers AND a ‘hot men’s spesh’ featuring  the competing athletes. So let us begin.

Apparently heat readers have been providing Team GB with a vast amount of support through tweets, cheers and tears and so the likes of Jess Ennis, Tom Daley and Beth Tweddle have written notes to the readers thanking them which have then been printed in the magazine.  Which is nice.  I was sure we should be thanking the athletes for providing the most exciting two weeks of achievement and national pride this country has seen in a long while, but as I am now officially a heat reader (I’ve read this copy) I will accept your thanks Team GB athletes.

The magazine then tells its readers to turn to page 58 for more of Greg Rutherford to which I am then greeted by the long jumper topless as the day he was born as part of their ‘Manwatch: Torso of the week’ feature.   On the way to page 58I also pass an article on the Olympiads crazy partying (because they’re human also) and then the ‘MANWATCH SPECIAL – heat’s Olympic Medal Men!’

So heat magazine has taught me that although there were medals and women achieving some pretty cool new athletic heights during the Games, the main point of the Olympics was to perve on the male competitors…

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